Sunday, 1 March 2015

A Sweet Confession...


I love blogging, I really do, but it has occurred to me that I am actually not that good at it. Every time I go to do it I cannot seem to find the motivation. I run out of ideas or I believe that whatever I post won't be good enough. Sometimes I feel like my posts seem fake and put on, I try to make them seem upbeat and happy but more often than not I am actually not feeling that way myself. One of the things I like about blogging is that I can write about things that I am passionate about - such as Disney or reading. When I type the words they seem to make sense as they come so naturally, however when I read it back to myself it never seems to flow. I am proud of my blog, I really am, but when I am having a bad day it seems pointless because I think that whatever I write won't come out the way I planned. The thing is, I have a mental illness. It doesn't matter what it's official diagnosed name is. I have a mental illness and they are all as difficult as each other. I don't like typing this. I don't like admitting to it because it is such a big thing to own up to. People don't really understand what it is like, and I don't blame them! It is not something that you can understand unless you have actually been through it yourself. This illness prevents me from being able to do things that I used to enjoy and provides me with a constant weight that drags me down. As you may be able to imagine, trying to enjoy the little things with a massive weight stopping you from moving freely, is very difficult. After a while you lack motivation and wonder what the point is of doing certain things. This lack of determination prohibits me from sitting down and doing something productive; these things include reading and blogging, which are two of my favourite things! It is hard, not being able to take the time to do these things. Somehow, time runs away and suddenly you have gone weeks without posting or picking up your favourite book. Reading and blogging are my escapes. They make me feel happy, as I am able to forget my problems for a little while. It saddens me to think that I'm being stopped doing these things by an injury that you can't even see.
It is hard to explain but I wanted to say something. I wish that I posted more regularly. I wish that I could be more motivated. I wish that I didn't have this crushing mental illness. One day, I know these wishes will come true but for now I just have to stay strong and take baby steps towards the positive future.
I know that not many people will see this post. A small population of internet surfers who have somehow come across this blog and had enough time to read through this post. But I want to thank you. Keeping It Sweet is one of the achievements in my life and I am always proud to say that I have a blog. To be honest, I don't think I ever would have started one if it wasn't for my best friend Ellen who helped me through the first stages. She is so special, an incredible human being and I love her so much for that. When I published my first ever proper post - 50 Facts About Me - I was a little nervous. I didn't know if blogging was going to be my thing or not, or if I would be any good at it, but after a few posts I knew that it was something that I really enjoyed. I know that my blog isn't being viewed by the whole world, and I don't mind that. That isn't why I blog. I never wanted to become a 'famous blogger' or have millions of page views, I just wanted to find a new hobby that I could focus on. So thank you if you took the time to read one of my posts, I appreciate it. Time is precious and I feel honoured to know that some of you out there took a few minutes of your life to read something that I typed.
I don't know what I was trying to achieve through this post but I feel better knowing that I've said it. I suppose I just wanted to say that: I know I am not the best blogger in the world but I enjoy it and want people to know that.
Thank you if you read this post. I don't want to say when I am supposed to be publishing my next post because I cannot promise that it will ever appear. However I will say that I am going to try and post at some point this week. To be honest, I don't know if any of this make sense and I don't want to reread it as I know that if I do that I won't publish it! I hope that some of this made a little sense to somebody who reads this and you kind of understand what I am trying to say. Thank you again.

Keep sweet!
Bethany x

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